it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
