I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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