I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
She has the best kind of daddy issues
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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