She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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