Old men and throwing up are my life now.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
