eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Randomize
