I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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