hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Too much gin, very little bucket
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Randomize
