I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Ambien. No doubt about it.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
