I hate your face
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize