He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Randomize
