I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
