and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize