if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
zippers are such a cool invention
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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