last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
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