you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize
