I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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