At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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