I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Randomize
