he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
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