Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Randomize
