Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize