we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Randomize
