If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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