I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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