I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
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