Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
zippers are such a cool invention
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
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