Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
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