I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
