who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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