I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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