I'm going to jail i love you
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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