Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
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