1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
