You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
