My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
