Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
