Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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