Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
