I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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