Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
