ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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