At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Randomize
