guys are only as good as the porn they watch
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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