Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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