She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
