My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
