well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
