Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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