We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
