Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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