I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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