I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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