If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
