just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Randomize
