I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
try to milk me bitch
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize