This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
