Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
