Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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