I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I love you. Go after that dick
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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